One Button

{(set: $doorsOpened to 0) (set: $starshipOpened to 0) (set: $pirateshipOpened to 0) (set: $boxinggymOpened to 0) (set: $greengrocerOpened to 0) (set: $boardroomOpened to 0) (set: $hasPhaser to 0) (set: $hasSheet to 0) (set: $hasPen to 0) (set: $hasPirate to 0) }(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[You see a door.] <img src='../Stories/door.jpg'> (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A starship.]]]

{(change: ?Page, (bg: '../Stories/starship.jpg')) (set: $doorsOpened to it + 1) (set: $starshipOpened to it + 1) (set: _passage to (either: "A boardroom.", "A boxing gym.", "A greengrocer.", "A pirate ship.")) }(if: $hasPirate is 1)[Your heart is pounding as the bodies jostle you and the pirate as they push by you through the door. You hear the reassuring "thunk" as it closes. One stops (okay yes, this is definitely some sort of pig man) and looks at you both strangely. "It's here! The anomaly is here!" A series of faces turn to you. Thank goodness for the time anomaly, or whatever it is that's going on here. "A phaser! A phaser!" Oh right, you forgot to put it away. The man with the red shirt and the pointy ears looks toward you. "I mean you no harm!" I yell, and the pirate yells too. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" "Shut up, we have to keep going," you yell back. "Follow me." The pirate, angry and confused and surprised and a mixture of all kinds of other emotions, follows you as you push toward the door.](else:)[(if: $starshipOpened is 1)[Your body is jostled as people push by you through the door; you hear a "thunk" as it closes. They wear a neat black uniform with different coloured shirts. One stops and looks at you strangely. "It's here! The anomaly is here!" A series of faces turn to you. They are mostly humanoid? But some have strange features. Blue skin. Wrinkled foreheads. Deep, black eyes. You panic, and push through them down the corridor. There is a door ahead of you. It makes a sound as though a gear system is winding up to open it.](else-if: $starshipOpened is 2)[Your body is jostled as people push by you through the door; you hear a "thunk" as it closes. One of the uniformed people (? some of them look a bit like walking pig people?) stops and looks at you strangely. "It's here! The anomaly is here!" "I'm not an anomaly, I'm just... opening doors!" you say, hopefully, since these seem to be the first people who might know what's happening. "I open doors and I go to different places!" "Interesting," says a man with pointy ears in a red shirt. "You open the doors, and you go to different places. What kind of places?" "Uh well, a greengrocer, a boardroom, a pirate ship, and a boxing gym? I mean that's it so far." "I see. Do you mean a greengrocer, such as in 20th Century Earth history?" "Uhhhhh... I guess? Though it's the 21st Century where I'm from, so maybe your ... history ... is a little off." "I see. Would you mind coming with me? We're currently dealing with a temporal anomaly, possibly a subspace fracture or temporal loop. But it's hard to know yet and you're the first ... specimen ..." Oh no, you are definitely not a "specimen", and you are definitely not coming with them. You lunge at a passing crewperson and take one of their gun-looking things from the belt loop on their waist and wave it about, hopefully in a menacing sort of way. The man backs away. They all back away. "I don't think so, I'm having a bit of a strange day, so I think I will just leave by that door there and hope I don't come back here again," you say. "No, wait, please, you misunderst..." (set: $hasPhaser to 1)](else:)[Your body is jostled as people push by you through the door; you hear a "thunk" as it closes. You know the drill by now. They seem to be in some sort of time loop, and whatever the hell you're in is caught up in it too. But you can escape. So you hurtle down the corridor and]] (if: $starshipOpened is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A greengrocer.]]]] (else-if: $starshipOpened >1 and $hasPirate is 0)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(link-goto: "Open the door.", _passage)]] (else-if: $hasPirate is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A boxing gym.]]]]

{(change: ?Page, (bg: '../Stories/greengrocer.jpg')) (set: $doorsOpened to it + 1) (set: $greengrocerOpened to it + 1) (set: _passage to (either: "A boardroom.", "A boxing gym.", "A pirate ship.", "A starship.")) }(if: $hasPirate is 1)[You drag the struggling pirate through the door. The satisfying clunk and little bell tinkling is familiar to you now. "Stop struggling! It makes you smell even worse!" The pirate stops struggling and gapes, open mouthed, at the bounty around him. "What the fuck is this? Where are we?" "The 21st Century. A greengrocer. Now grab an orange or two for that dreadful scurvy, and let's go." The greengrocer stares at you both, also open-mouthed. She is still on the phone, and you can hear a little tinny voice yelling "Vera? Vera! What's going on?" I shove the pirate toward the towering piles of fruit and he grabs a couple of oranges. And a banana. And, for some reason, a pineapple. He stuffs them into the pockets of his suit jacket. The pineapple won't fit, though, so he holds on to that. The smell of the pirate catches up to Vera and she visibly winces. "Maybe, uh, take some lavender too." She throws a bunch at the pirate, who catches it by reflex. "On the house." I nod my thanks, and as we head toward the door, she is calmly reassuring the person on the other end of the phone that she is perfectly fine, thank you very much, and she won't mind missing the strawberries. Or the oranges, banana, or lavender. Or even the pineapple. "I get the feeling they're not from around here," she says into the phone. ](else:)[(if: $greengrocerOpened is 1)[You hear a satisfying clunk and a little bell tinkling as the door closes behind you. You blink, and you look around to see piles of inviting fruit and vegetables around you. "A greengrocer?" you think, "I thought these had all disappeared!" The glistening pomegranates, shiny apples, and succulent bananas indicate otherwise. "Can I help you?" asks a cheery voice. You turn, and the grocer is there, blue and white striped apron dusty with dirt from the carrots she is brushing before placing them on display. "I'm.... not sure," you say. "I think I want a..." You pause. The aroma of strawberries wafts past your nose. "Strawberry?" You look down at the punnets of fresh, red, ripe strawberries in front of you. "Punnet is £3.50, sorry but I can't let you just have one," she says apologetically. You pick up the punnet and fish about for some cash, or a card, or anything. Of course, you don't have anything. But you need these strawberries. You really do. You look at the door. Given your experience with doors recently, it seems reasonable that you might be able to get away with just nicking these. So you do.](else-if: $greengrocerOpened is 2)[You hear a satisfying clunk and a little bell tinkling as the door closes behind you. You blink, and you look around to see piles of inviting fruit and vegetables around you. The grocer is on the phone. "... and they just ran out! With my strawberries!" She looks up. "... and they just came back in again! With my strawberries!" You look down at the strawberries in your hand. "Oh, right. Uh. Sorry. I ... didn't know I'd be back." It sounds stupid in your head, but you've said it. "I'm going to go." So you do.](else:)[You hear a satisfying clunk and a little bell tinkling as the door closes behind you. You blink, and you look around to see piles of inviting fruit and vegetables around you. "Oh no," you say. You look up at the grocer. She's still on the phone. "And... back again?" She's starting to look very confused. So are you. So you leave, before this gets even *more* awkward.]] (if: $greengrocerOpened is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A boxing gym.]]]](else-if: $greengrocerOpened >1 and $hasPirate is 0)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(link-goto: "Open the door.", _passage)]](else-if: $hasPirate is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A boardroom.]]]]

{(change: ?Page, (bg: '../Stories/boxinggym.png')) (set: $doorsOpened to it + 1) (set: $boxinggymOpened to it + 1) (set: _passage to (either: "A boardroom.", "A pirate ship.", "A greengrocer.", "A starship.")) }(if: $hasPirate is 1)[The light from the bright EXIT sign above you washes a nice comforting, familiar red into the room. The boxing ring is empty now, the two men are stripping off gloves and headguards and spitting out their mouthguards. You can still greatly admire their thick, muscled bodies and make a small mental note to get back to the gym yourself, maybe, if you can find one in *your* time and place. You push the pirate ahead of you and wave the boxfit signup sheet around. "Uh hey, um, this is my friend, he wants to sign up." "Oh hello, uh, Mister... uh, what is your name?" asks the coach, politely. The pirate stares around him, then at the man, and then at the other two men, and then back at you. "Boxfit?" You nod. "Yeah. Boxfit. You get fit while fighting, I think. I dunno, I thought it might help you turn your ... health around. And I mean these seem like nice guys, maybe they'll give you some ... uh, personal hygiene advice." The pirate looks at me, gobsmacked. "Why the fuck would I need any help with my personal hygiene?" The three men look at him. You look at him. He looks around at you all. "I ... smell bad?" You all nod. "You brought me through this ... whatever the hell is going on here because I smell bad?" "And you have terrible teeth," you point out. "Maybe you can sign up to a NHS dentist." "Good luck," says one of the men. "Waiting list is horrendous." "I mean, it's an idea though, right? They don't always have to be good ideas," you say, a little despondent. "I suppose not," says the coach. "But it was good of you to bring him here. I'm sure we can sort him out. Leave him with us. What did you say your name was?" "Captain Thickbread of the Bloody Mary." "Okayyyyy... first name?" You leave them to it. Your heart has stopped pounding now, thankfully, and you feel a sense of calm descend upon you, like you've mostly done the right thing. You turn back toward the exit. You close your eyes and you](else:)[The light from a bright EXIT sign above you casts a slight red light into the room. A boxing ring is set up in this industrial space, with some exercise equipment, some racks for weights, and some boxing speed bags hanging from the ceiling. (if: $boxinggymOpened is 1)[(if: $hasSheet is 0)[The metal door slams behind you. Three men are in the room: two in the ring, sweat dripping from their faces, catching their breath, while the third yells at them. "Keep your gloves up! Sharkey, watch your left, you always drop your left!" Sharkey lets out a grunt and dances back on his feet, muscles cording as he brings his arms back up to start again. His opponent looks him up and down, and gets back into position too. Heavyweights, you guess. Nobody else would have thighs that thick. The strawberries' aroma wafts back up to your nose, and you blink as you think about what you've been doing. Opening doors. What is that all about? I mean, you open a door and usually it goes somewhere you might expect. But you've never set foot in a boxing gym before. Greengrocer? Well maybe when you were a kid. But a STARSHIP? I mean that's right out of science fiction. What the hell is going on? You are broken from your reverie as you realise the boxers have all stopped moving again and are staring at you. "You alright, mate?" says the coach. You probably wouldn't want him chasing you either, you realise. He's quite a big man himself. "Uhhhh... yeah?" "You wanna jump in the ring?" "Uhhhh..." You look at the two men in there, they would flatten you in an instant. "No thanks." "You wanna sign up for boxfit? We've got a good deal going right now, 8 classes for the price of 6!" "Uhhhh... I'm not sure I'm in the right place to commit to that, sorry." "Oh. Well, what do you want?" "I..." You think quickly. "... think I'm in the wrong place. Thanks anyway!" "Oh. OK. Well, hope to see you again soon, maybe when you're in a better place?" "Uh yeah, thanks. Bye!"]](else:)[(if: $hasSheet is 0)[The metal door slams. The sweaty, thick-thighed men are still at it. You wonder if maybe there's something unfinished here, maybe that's why you've ended up here again. Maybe *you're* the Ghost of Christmas Past, doomed to haunt people until you say the right thing. These Tiny Tims are going to need a lot of goose for their Christmas dinners, that's for sure. Or maybe a suckling pig, with a nice fat apple in its mouth. Anyway what are you thinking about, ghosts and geese? You've obviously got to do something. The coach looks back up at you as Sharkey hits Bones with a solid one-two. "You back again?" "Uhhh yeah. Um." "You wanna get in the ring?" "Uh, no thanks." "You want to use the equipment?" "Uh, no thanks... I think..." You ponder. Maybe you're supposed to be getting thick thighs like theirs. But that would take ages, and it feels like there's some sort of urgency to this. And ... to be honest, you don't really like working out. Now swimming... perhaps... "Boxfit?" I mean it's the only actual thing that's been offered, maybe that's the key? "Yeah, uh, for a friend." "Sure thing matey. Grab a sheet over there." The coach points. Bones gets up off the floor and grabs Sharkey in a sweaty hold. Sharkey grunts. "OK OK break it up." The coach's attention turns back to the boxers. You go and take a boxfit signup sheet. (set: $hasSheet to 1)](else:)[The boxers are still at it. The coach is still shouting. You're feeling quite uncomfortable now, and hope that the door will close quietly. But no, the metal door slams, and they all look up at you again. The feeling that perhaps you've missed something settles further into your anxious belly. Before they can say anything, you turn and run for the door. ]] You get to the door. The coach starts yelling again. "Bones! What are you doing!"] (if: $boxinggymOpened is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A boardroom.]]]](else-if: $boxinggymOpened >1 and $hasPirate is 0)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(link-goto: "Open the door.", _passage)]](else-if: $hasPirate is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->The end.]]]]

{(change: ?Page, (bg: '../Stories/boardroom.jpg')) (set: $doorsOpened to it + 1) (set: $boardroomOpened to it + 1) (set: _passage to (either: "A pirate ship.", "A boxing gym.", "A greengrocer.", "A starship.")) }(if: $hasPirate is 1)[You have a split second to wonder how this seeminly murderous company is going to respond to a phaser-wielding wacko hauling a smelly pirate holding a pineapple until it turns into reality. The reality is that 27 faces turn to look at you, they then look at the pirate, they then look at the pineapple, and they then look at your phaser. You reassuringly waggle it at them, it's probably what they expect. The security guards pull their guns. "Oh come on," you say, and you blast the man who seems to be in charge. That should distract them a little. The beam of coloured light that comes out of the weapon surprises the guards so much that they forget their training. The man, their boss, suddenly completely disappearing, surprises them even more. This gives you an opening. (Don't worry, he probably deserved it.)](else:)[(if: $boardroomOpened is 1)[The fancy wooden door closes with a gentle click. 25 faces turn to look at you. One is the face of the woman presenting an impressive set of figures on a large screen at the front of the room. The wood panelling sets off a warm, pleasant glow in the well-lit room. Each person has in front of them a notepad and a fancy pen. Thermoses of no doubt terrible coffee and lukewarm tea water sit on a table at the back and... "Security?" A man is pressing a button on a box in front of him. He looks very upset. You look back at the screen. Those figures... what are they saying? Number of ... deaths? Against ... income? The faces stare at you. You suddenly feel very out of place. That's okay, because there's a door right behind you.](else-if: $boardroomOpened is 2)[The fancy wooden door closes with a gentle click. The fancy wooden door does not stay closed for long, however, as two burly security guards barrel through it soon afterwards. 25 faces turn to look at them, and then you, and then them again. "Stop!" shouts the man who was previously hitting the button. "What are you doing?" "Me?" you ask, taking the opportunity to skirt around the lovely wood-panelled walls to the other side of the board room. "I'm ... uh... looking for a pen." You grab a fancy pen from the table in front of you. The security guards follow you around the table. "Thanks!" you say, because now you're just going with whatever the hell this is, and you duck past one of the guards and hurtle toward the door. (set: $hasPen to 1) ](else:)[The fancy wooden door closes with a gentle click. 27 faces turn to look at you. Two of those are the security guards', and they decide that now is a good time to start chasing you again. One of the security guards makes a lunge for you, and you give a hearty chaotic chuckle and turn to the door.]] (if: $boardroomOpened is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A pirate ship.]]]] (else-if: $boardroomOpened >1 and $hasPirate is 0)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(link-goto: "Open the door.", _passage)]] (if: $hasPirate is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A starship.]]]]

{(change: ?Page, (bg: '../Stories/pirateship.jpg')) (set: $doorsOpened to it + 1) (set: $pirateshipOpened to it + 1) (set: _passage to (either: "A boardroom.", "A boxing gym.", "A greengrocer.", "A starship.")) }(if: $pirateshipOpened is 1)[The battered wooden door squeaks closed, the rusty metal latch not quite slotting back into place, but a force of some sort (...wind?) slams the door and the latch grinds into place. Oh god, this place *stinks*. A bearded man with a lot of badly inked tattoos and a scrappy old floppy hat looks at you. "Who the fuck are you?" "Uhhh...." "I don't much like the look of you." He doesn't have many teeth left, and the ones he does have are rotting. Maybe that's where the smell is coming from. On second thoughts, nope, that's just the whole room, and the man, and his teeth. Your stomach tightens, like you're going to be sick from the smell. You retch. "If you're gonna hurl, get out of my cabin!" He picks up a large machete from the table he's sitting at and brandishes it at me. "I won't have chunder on my maps!" You take that as your invitation to leave.](else-if: $pirateshipOpened is 2)[The battered wooden door squeaks closed, the rusty metal latch not quite slotting back into place, but the wind slams the door and the latch grinds into place. Ugh, this place still stinks. You weren't imagining it. You manage to not retch somehow, perhaps it's the lovely ripe strawberry smell wafting up to your nose. "You! Back again! Did you sort yourself out then?" You nod, not entirely sure whether this is a good thing or not. "Great, now I can find out why yer spying on my ship then." "Oh, I'm not a spy." "Yer sure? Cos you sure look like a spy to me." This is not going well. "What does a spy look like exactly?" "Well, fancy. And with nice clothes, though they're not very fashionable, not like mine." He indicates to his stinky, rotting suit that he must have stolen from a gentleman. Many years ago. "Right. Well, let's just say that I might be a bit fancy, because I don't smell as badly as you do, and I have all my teeth, so maybe I'm doing a bit better on that front too." Wow, that was brave. He has a machete and everything. You sure that insulting him to his face is the right thing to do? Oh well, it's out now. "I don't smell, what are you talking about?" "You're so unhealthy, look at you. You need a good bath, a regular appointment with some exercise, and a few fruit and vegetables in your diet." "I *what* now?" He waves the machete, purposefully. "Uhhh...." You've definitely gone too far now. But you have an idea. And that strawberry smell is mixing with the stink in a really gross way. You feel your stomach starting to turn again. "I think I might be going now." "No you don't, you stay right..." ](else:)[(if: $hasPen is 1 and $hasSheet is 1 and $hasPhaser is 1)[The battered wooden door squeaks closed, the rusty metal latch not quite slotting back into place, but a force of some sort (...wind?) slams the door and the latch grinds into place. Yup, this place *still* stinks. Thankfully maybe, *finally*, you can do something about it. He's still there at the desk, brandishing the machete. But this time you have a really fancy, yeah okay, we'll call it a phaser. Phaser. And you know how to use it. "You! Captain!" You fire the phaser experimentally at a map pinned to the wall. It disintegrates. The captain looks at you in absolute horror. "P-p-p-please don't kill me, not like that!" "Huh?" You look surprised. You expected more from him than that. He gets down on his knees. "I don't want to disappear! If you're going to kill me, do it proper-like, with a knife or a musket or something. I'm begging you." "Oh, what? I'm not going to kill you. I'm just going to get you some help for this dreadful smell. There's some lads at a gym that will sort you out, I know. All you have to do is sign this." You push the sign-up sheet toward him on the floor and drop the pen on top. "But I can't write! Or read for that matter!" "Oh. Let me help you then." You take the sheet and walk him through the sign up. Medical conditions ("Asthma? what's that?"), address (turns out this ship is called "The Bloody Mary"), "Hmm, don't worry about phone number or email... or social media...", and finally he signs it with "a nice big X". "Come on then, let's go." And you hold your breath, grit your teeth, and pull him up by his elbow.(set: $hasPirate to 1) ](else:)[The battered wooden door squeaks closed, the rusty metal latch not quite slotting back into place, but a force of some sort (...wind? Yes, definitely wind) slams the door and the latch grinds into place. The stink makes you retch again. Or maybe it's like PTSD from the previous times. You were expecting it to stink and it stinks. Your stomach catches in your throat. You hold up a finger to indicate "just a moment" to the slightly surprised pirate, and turn to exit the room again. ]] (if: $hasPirate is 1)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Open the door.->A greengrocer.]]]] (else:)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(link-goto: "Open the door.", _passage)]]

(enchant:?page,(bg:#860404))You very slowly open your eyes. You look down and see red spilling over your hand, where a slightly squashed and very fragrant cardboard punnet of strawberries has been damaged, the fruit crushed to pulp and leaking through the punnet holes. They smell amazing.